Three Hunnid (300)

Now I don't have much interest in movie reviews, but this particular movie has been subject to some debate: that is to say that I've been seeking to argue about what the movie-maker's intentions were for the movie "300." Now first and foremost I must note that I DID IN FACT LIKE THE MOVIE. For some reason my opinions seem to give people the impression that I thought it was dumb. This isn't the case. I simply believe that the movie is ridiculously hilarious, and it was the full intent of the producers to create an all-out satire of what I'll be calling "the man's man manly movie."

For those of you who aren't familiar with the story of "300" (or the actual historical Battle of Thermopylae for that matter...), here's a quick synopsis of it from Fandango.com:

The massive army of the Persian Empire is sweeping across the globe, crushing every force that dares stand in its path. When a Persian envoy arrives in Sparta offering King Leonidas power over all of Greece if he will only bow to the will of the all powerful Xerxes, the strong-willed leader assembles a small army comprised of his empire's best fighters and marches off to battle. Though they have virtually no hope of defeating Xerxes' intimidating battalion, Leonidas' men soldier on, intent on letting it be known they will bow to no man but their king. Meanwhile, back in Sparta, the loyal Queen Gorgo attempts to convince both the skeptical council and the devious Theron to send more troops despite the fact that many view Leonidas' unsanctioned war march as a serious transgression. As Xerxes' fearsome "immortals" draw near, a few noble Greeks vow to assist the Spartans on the battlefield. When King Leonidas and his 300 Spartan warriors fell to the overwhelming Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae, the fearless actions of the noble fighters inspired all of Greece to stand up against their Persian enemy and wage the battle that would ultimately give birth to the modern concept of democracy. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

For a more thurough plot (with spoiler!) Wikipedia's got the best summary.

I know, I know, sounds pretty serious. And it is serious: its the epic battle that is still today referrenced in the same sentence as the word "bravery." But the movie itself is just so damn funny. To be honest, I didn't know there were people who didn't find it funny until several weeks after seeing it. When I saw it in theaters with some friends, there was not one of us who wasn't laughing hysterically throughout the movie. I hope I'm not making any enemies here... So let me tell you what I'm talking about. Recall my statement that "300" is a satire of the ultimate man's movie. To prove this point I'll have to use the "Guns, Tits, and Trucks" theory of what gets a guys attention, and how 300 took these three points over the top (thats where the humor is fyi...)

Guns:
Obviously due to the time period these won't be literal guns. However, I don't really think it's the guns that provide the appeal to men as much as the violence. So we'll say that the gun's appeal is satisfied by the fact that this movie is about 1/8 plot, 7/8 not-so-proverbial ass-kicking. It's pretty much got every kind of violent act imaginable. Here's a sort of condensed version of the movie's fight scenes:



Tits:
This doesn't really take much explanation, nor will I be providing another YouTube clip to prove my point. I'll just reference the scene where Leonidas seeks the Oracle for support to attack the Persian army. When I typed the phrase "300 Oracle" into YouTube, I got a clip from the movie which, when clicked on, provided the following message: "This video or group may contain content that is inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube's user community.To view this video or group, please verify you are 18 or older by logging in or signing up." Huh, wonder what's in there. Long story short the movie has a lot of sexually explicit scenes, including King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo's parting night of ... well, intercourse. To be honest, this section doesn't seem much like satire, but I do still think it was a bit over-the-top.

Trucks:
Again, not literal trucks. This is simply the concept of guys liking things big. It's a bit looser of a topic than the two others, but I think I can find some parts of the movie that will fit. To begin with, the story of the battle sort of writes in a trucks concept just by the odds the Spartans face against the Persians. An almost-literal sea of men (and other creatures) are shown throughout the movie as a reminder of the bleak outcome of our 300 heroes. Secondly, the movie adds a few ridiculous yet manly scenes such as the Spartans building a giant wall out of their fallen enemies. The next scene is possibly my favorite scene from the movie, and I believe proves my point best off all:



I apologize for how short that is, but if you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about. My question is: where'd he get the apple? My point: how manly is it to stand over a bunch of dead (/dying) bodies eating an apple?

Now let's prove my point. I have a review from some Neill Cumpston as seen on Aint It Cool News:

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

To immediately accredit Neill as a perfect man's man (and someone who would score below 125 on our IQ test), I'll point out the statement, "I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie," to be followed almost immediately by, "It’s about these 300 Greek dudes..." Ok, so Neill needs to learn to put 2 and 2 together... He goes on, however, to point out several key points that he liked of the movie: the incredible amount of fighting (as well as the lack of confusing distractions like plot), and the presence of numerous naked women (he sadly thought these scenes were ruined by the added "dudity"). It seems as though Neill was looking for guns, tits, and trucks, and he seems pretty happy with what he got. I think the producers would be laughing at Neill right along with me.

So this is a perfect case of me needing feedback. What'd you think of the movie? I'm not asking if you liked or disliked it, but did you think some (or almost all) of the scenes were so over-the-top that you just had to laugh? Let me know.